When you're angry, have you ever found yourself getting even more angry and
frustrated because you can't seem to explain what's bothering you? Do you feel
like the other person isn't really listening to you or that they're not trying to see
things from your point of view? When this happens, you probably end up raising
your voice, talking even faster, and maybe even becoming verbally or even
physically abusive. Unfortunately, this makes it even more difficult for the other person to understand you and because you're now verbally attacking them, they
don't even want to try anymore.
Or do you go the opposite direction and just try to keep all of your anger bottled
up inside? It's not worth the hassle of trying to get someone to understand you,
so why even bother? The whole problem with that is that eventually, like a
balloon that keeps filling up with more and more air, eventually your anger will
explode.
However, if some of the air is periodically released from the balloon, the pressure
is relieved and it never reaches that point of explosion. In the same manner, if
you use assertive communication to get your point across, you'll avoid having your
anger explode, too. Assertive communication is an anger management technique
that involves using honesty and effective communication to explain your feelings
in a non-hostile fashion.
The most difficult part of using assertive communication is to express your
thoughts or feelings in such a way so you don't make the other person angry or
defensive. After all, to be able to control your own anger, it's sometimes
necessary to be able to control the other person's angry response. If you can
keep the other person calm, it's often easier for you to remain calm, also.
The reason this is so difficult is because generally, people don't like to be
criticized. When you tell someone they did something wrong or what you don't
like about their behavior, or how they hurt your feelings, you can very often put
them on the defensive. And someone who is on the defensive is just one small
step away from anger.
One of the best ways to use assertive communication is a technique called the
Compliment Sandwich. The meat of the sandwich, your complaint or criticism or
concern, is sandwiched between two pieces of bread which are compliments or
positive feedback. In order to make the other person feel less defensive and more
piece of bread. Then, follow it up with your main concern, the meat, and finish
with another compliment, the other piece of bread.
As an example:
John, you're one of the best salesmen I have on the team. You're numbers are
phenomenal! (First compliment/Positive feedback)
But the guys in accounting tell me you haven't been turning your reports in on
time and it's causing them to get behind with the auditors. (Concern)
I'm sure you've just been busy with all your new clients and I just wanted to let
you know the guys in accounting could really use your help. (Second
compliment/Positive feedback)
Now, of course you could have gone at it in an entirely different manner. You
could have cornered John in the break room, in front of several other employees
and let him know just how angry you were that the auditors have been calling you
at home every night looking for his reports. And then John would have gone on
the defensive because he feels he's already working his tail off by getting you all
these new clients. And eventually one or both of you would have ended up
exploding and possible even losing your jobs.
But, as you can see by the example, the Compliment Sandwich made it possible
for an important message to be conveyed in a non-hostile manner. Neither party
is on the defensive, no one has any anger bottled up and waiting to explode, and a
positive outcome will be the result.
There are a few key considerations to keep in mind when using the Compliment
Sandwich. First of all, your compliment has to be real and genuine. As difficult as it may seem with some of the people you have to deal with, you need to be able to come up with at least 2 sincere compliments. You may have to think on this for a while, but there are generally at least two nice things you can say about a person.
Your compliments should also be related in some way to the message you're trying
to convey. For example, I complimented John on his increase in clients. Had I
complimented him on his tie, he wouldn't have seen that I understood he had
been doing a lot of extra work lately. He might have gone on the defensive
thinking that I didn't understand he'd already been putting in a lot of extra effort.
It's also necessary that your compliment be related so that it doesn't sound
contrived. I wanted John to know that I appreciated his hard work but that I still
need to have his reports in on time.
The next time someone hurts your feelings or makes you angry, try offering them
a Compliment Sandwich and you may be pleasantly surprised at the results.
Regards,
Fermi Mirza Alfarisi
email : fermimirza@gmail.com
Phone/WA : 085710420922
BBM : 75B55C77
0 comments:
Post a Comment