Do you find yourself getting angrier because you can't communicate your feelings
in a way that they can be understood by the other person? And then, when they
can't understand you, you get even angrier and communicate even worse, which
makes you even angrier? It's a vicious circle and one from which you can easily
escape if you learn to practice Assertive Communication.
Assertive Communication involves expressing your feelings honestly in order to
achieve your goal. Usually, when you decide to assert yourself, instead of just
being a pawn in the anger game, you feel better about yourself, even if your goals
are not achieved. You walk away from the confrontation knowing that you put
forth your very best effort to communicate your concerns to the other party. By using Assertive Communication techniques you avoid those feelings of guilt and
remorse that so often occur after an angry confrontation.
Using Assertive Communication techniques can be a little tricky at first because
you must react differently to each new situation. Behavior that applies to one
person or circumstance won't necessarily apply to the next. Each situation is
different and there are times when a passive response might be your best course
of action. There may also be times when an aggressive response is called for but
most of the time, assertiveness is the solution.
Always be true to yourself, your own thoughts and feelings and beliefs and avoid
criticizing the other person's thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. These are aspects of
their being that can't be changed and you'll only put the other person on the
defensive if you tell them they can't possibly be feeling something. How do YOU
know what they're feeling?
When communicating assertively, think in terms of I-messages. An I-message
expresses your feelings without making the other person responsible for them. An
I-message doesn't judge the other person or blame the other person. And an Imessage
never tells the other person what he should think or feel.
In order to successfully use assertive communication you need to know exactly
what you want to accomplish, you need to take personal responsibility for your
own actions, you need to be able to communicate effectively with the other person
and you need to be willing to listen if they become defensive.
The basic steps involved in communicating assertively are:
Give a brief, non-judgmental description of the behavior you want the other
person to change.
John, I really wish you would take Timmy to his softball practice on Saturdays.
Tell the other person your feelings.
I feel very stressed, now that Janey is involved in soccer, too, and I just can't
seem to find a way to get them both to their practices and still feed the baby her
dinner.
Tell them something concrete and tangible that explains how this feeling is
affecting you.
Last Saturday I was in such a rush I dropped Timmy at the soccer field, took Janey
to the softball field and lost the baby's bottle somewhere in the car.
Describe the behavior that would be satisfactory.
If you could take Timmy to his softball practice on Saturday, then I could get
Janey to soccer and still have time to take care of the baby, too. Plus, you and
Timmy would have some father-son time together.
Notice that you haven't accused John of being a lazy bum or shirking his duties.
As a result, he's more open to listening to what you have to say. You've told him
how you feel and you've given him a tangible example of the effect his behavior is
having on your life. Simply telling someone you feel sad or angry or blue, doesn't
tell them anything. You can't see or touch a feeling, so some people have
difficulty grasping your meaning. By giving them a tangible example of how their
behavior is affecting you, you give them something that they can hold in their
hand and look at and examine, to see how they can fix it.
This type of communication takes practice on your part. It would be very easy to
tell John that you'd like him to quit watching football for a couple of hours on
Saturday and take Timmy to ball practice. But what you really want is for him to
take Timmy to practice. Whether he watches a ball game or not has nothing to do
with it. If you throw that comment in there, though, you'll just put him on the
defensive.
Regards,
Fermi Mirza Alfarisi
email : fermimirza@gmail.com
Phone/WA : 085710420922
BBM : 75B55C77
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